Gary DiRtBoX:
Playboy Hunny + A Faggot

Coming from a band who are notorious for whoring themselves out whenever there's a slot available, Dirtbox's frontman is surprisingly cagey when confronted by the opposite sex.

After our subtle flirtation techniques proved to be fruitless, including shoving our melons in his face and finger-fucking our fallen cherries, Gary was finally harangued into bed on the agreement that we wouldn't touch his spiky red tips.

And so it was that Gav was GCG'd on his virginal bed, spread out beneath Kerry's bucking hips. Peeping out from the gaps between his fingers, the un-popped punker implored 'Are we there yet?'

Upon withdrawing from Kerry's slick hole and witnessing his flowback dribbling down her leg, Gary was violently sick, much to the delight of his wee brother Dav who jumped naked out of the wardrobe shouting 'That's fucking doss!'

The last thing Kerry recalls seeing as she fled from the room was a large golden Labrador lapping up the reconstituted carrot. We dread to think who else was hiding in the wardrobe.

Avoid if… you don't like the Gav in your vag
Inveigle if… you like your eggs unfertilised in the morning

Rob Karloff:
Night Romper

Although we've shagged a few rockstars in our time, we weren't prepared for Rob's full-on frontal assault! Karloff's head axeman is metal through and through, quite literally in places.

After fucking like a freight train for the best part of an hour, Rob finally ran out of steam and sent us to sleep by discussing drag-racing, a sport that apparently has nothing to do with transvestites.

Still, there's always Luke from Starfall to look forward to. Yes, we know we've fucked him already but Brooke says she wants to do him again, this time while she's awake.

Avoid if… Karloff's music gives you enough willies as it is
Inveigle if… you like your sex fast and furious

Think sewers. Think dead rats. Think rancid dog meat and festering faeces. And then think twice about whether your stomach really needs to imbibe a mouthful of Aaron's putrid jizz.

We here at Granite City Groupies love the taste of cum. Aaron Yung's penile fluid, however, does not taste of cum. Perhaps it's because of too much Chinese food. Or maybe not enough exercise. Or could it have something to do with the fact that Aaron is a teenage boy with too much time - not to mention slime - on his sweaty pubescent paws.

The sex may have been a non-event but the morning after more than made up for it when Oriana awoke to find a large steaming turd nestling between her breasts.

'Breakfast is served' proclaimed Aaron. 'I hope you like my Shitting Chow Mein - I made it especially!'

In fairness, the boy is blessed with a sequoia-esque girth that makes even the slackest of pussies feel like an eight year-old's ass. His penis is also quite fat.

Del Franklin (Real Shocks):
Affection... and Infection?

Although he doesn't really play a proper instrument in a band, we thought we'd fuck Del anyway because we felt sorry for him.

Not only has he suffered the indignity of being told his face isn't fit for local radio, Del has also joined a band who are destined only to be appreciated inside trendy Parisian art cafes.

Aberdeen's very own Tad Doyle drove us out to his shack in the woods and made sweet love to us all night long with the barrel of his Parker shotgun. At the last minute, Del pulled out and shot his load into a passing rabbit, much to our relief.

A gentleman to the end, Delboy even retrieved the spent cartridge and flushed it down the (outdoor) toilet.

When Ash asked if he could fuck our brains out, we didn't realise that he meant it literally! Karloff's ghoulish frontman certainly lives up to his reputation; if you like your sex whack, this is where it's at.

After tonguing out Kerry's tampon and transferring its jammy goodness from her lips to his, Ash ran rampage around the GCG flat, knocking coffee cups over with his boner and generally making enough noise to wake the undead.

If it wasn't for Becka's little sister turning up unexpectedly and offering Ash her hymen in a bowl of warm goat's milk, his monstrous member would still be shedding scales in the front room.

We were prepared for this one. PVC, bondage gear, rubber panties, candles, funnel, certificate of sexual health and even a set of vampire fangs from the joke shop - you name it, we'd bought it for Luke's benefit.

In the end, our DIY goth kit wasn't required, for no sooner had Brooke taken her top off when Luke curled up into a ball and started whimpering 'Mummy!'

We finally coaxed Starfall's mouthpiece out of his shell with a glass of milk and some cookies and, after explaining the intricacies of the missionary position to him, he acquitted himself well.

Before making our move in the direction of Mr Skate-Punk's trunks, we had heard rumours that Craig was open to offers from both sides.

In the cold light of the morning after, we can assure you that this hot hunk of love does not swing both ways! Sorry ladies, but Craig Scott is strictly off limits… unless you happen to be a fella that is.

We tried everything - lesbian shows, hot wax, light bondage and even role-play - but the only thing to raise a flicker of interest in his flaccid member was when Becka stuck a finger up his ass and invited him to sniff it.

The next time Ben Quik fancies renewing his brown badge, he shouldn't have to look too far afield.

Having spent the last 12 years locked inside a foetid bedroom jamming along to Metallica videos, you'd have thought Dan's technique would have been honed to perfection by now.

Much to our dismay, however, it transpires that he's all fingers and thumbs. There never is a fist raised in St Anger when your cunt needs it most! Still, to give him his (resi)due, no one has ever shot a wad this viscous and voluminous within the confines of GCG HQ, proof that Dan really is loaded through and through.

A happy end to a sticky story or a sticky end in a happy story? Who knows! All that matters is that Dan has finally become the man and now we won't have to stock up on Muller Thick & Creamy for at least another week.

After abstaining from the game for months at a time, Turning 13's whining drummer-boy likes nothing better than to turn up on our doorstep and demand hot sex all night, every night for the next seven days, much to the chagrin of the GCG girls.

We don't mind the fact that he is more selfish than a pair of lesbian Siamese twins. We can even put up with his obsession for inserting a Tama drum key (it has to be Tama apparently) into our pink, pouting pussies.

But why, for the love of dog, does he have to play Repeater on repeat all fucking night long while regaling us with a running commentary on how he'd have played each fill differently?

It's not that time of the month yet, but it still has to be said: 'AAAAARGHHHHH!'

Plays the field the same way he plays guitar - lots of wanking but few good licks.

His faeces face might not be your cup of hot chocolate, but flip him over and you'll discover the golden locks of a seductress and the ass of an eight year-old boy.

Backstage, Rass likes everything up to 11 and that includes his boner. Hop on, hit the lights and ride the lightning!

Avoid if… you think the mixolydian scale is something that affects rabbits
Inveigle if… you like your sex none more black

OK, so none of us have ever actually fucked him, but we have had the pleasure of warming his enormous dong in our slutty mouths.

If he stopped toking for long enough to maintain an erection, this guy could fuck a hole in a wheelie bin. As it stands (or falls), Jimmy B couldn't beat his way out of a wet paper bag. It's just as well we're here to help really.

Avoid if… your heart and hymen is reserved for Rico
Inveigle if… you like schmokin' fat ones

Jesus Christ you people are sick!

Small cock, likes to wank himself into a semi before whipping it out in front of unsuspecting females.

Fucks like a cowboy riding a bucking bronco. Unfortunately doesn't last long in the saddle.

Avoid if… leopard-print makes you crawl
Inveigle if… you like the taste of jack and cock

Medium-sized schlong (6-7"), good oral technique, will fuck in any position as long as he gets to choose the music.

Whatever you do, don't use meat references when referring to his tackle. Remains impassive during sex, even at the point of orgasm.

Don't worry though, this doesn't mean he's not enjoying himself.

If you can put up with the fact that his post-coital smoke begins the minute he sets eyes on you, CDLS (or should that be seedy LS?) is one sexy muthafucka.

Hard as rock, this cowboy will mercilessly pummel your quim until it is dripping with molten lava. And if you're still not satiated after that, try asking Craig to perform his trademark devil-horn trick.

A raised thumb and pinkie never felt so good!

Forget everything you ever knew about sunny So-Cal! This isn't hanging at the mall and making out at the prom - this is the sort of love you clean up with a mop and bucket!

Benny-boy is blessed with a huge, cut weiner and is not afraid to cram it up your corn-chute! Anally retentive? You won't be by the time Quik's sticksman has finished rimming and reaming you out!

Schoolgirls are a speciality, though in all honesty anything that comes with mood-swings and a pulse is liable to be strung out and impregnated in the time it takes to say 'We're not skate-punk, we're a rock band!'

Uncle Mikey can give you the most obscure sex you've ever had, but that's dependant on whether or not his penis wants to fuck you.

After a few whiskies it's generally the latter, but fear not for the most orgasmic experiences you will have with Michael will be derived from the intensity of the colloquy.

Post-ironic satirical pre-cum never tasted so good!

Flight 19's half-pintsize bass player can go like the clappers - and that's with his pants on! Strip him down to his skin and boner, however, and a more pathetic story emerges.

Not only is he extremely selfish in bed, refusing to heed the most constructive of criticism (getting a finger up the bum doesn't make you gay, and yes it is standard practice for the female to reach orgasm, I don't care what your granddad's told you), Patty also has a worrying tendency to call out 'George!' during sex.

On the plus side his tackle is neatly-shaven, making fellatio a pleasure to perform. That or he hasn't reached puberty yet.